There’s more than one reason why it’s hard for me to build friendships. I’ve never had too many to start with, and I’ve been burned by a few as well. It was easier when we were younger. Even then I experienced some “friend envy”. Friend envy is when you get upset when a friend spends time with one of their other friends, it can also mean being envious of others’ friendships. Friend envy can be hard to deal with. I find it harder these days with the growing use of social media. Often people will post pictures of themselves having fun and I’ll think “I wish I could have fun like that” or “why wasn’t I invited to be a part of that”. Honestly, why wasn’t I invited? That can start a whole mess of negative thoughts. Some of these thought are about how boring I am or how my life sucks that I just can’t have any fun. When I really begin to investigate the reasons behind my difficulties, negative thinking has a lot to do with it. I think that I can’t relate to any one and that my life is boring. This is an old mindset for me. At one point, I think it was around my high school years, I began to believe that my problems were not as important as everyone else’s so why should I bother sharing them. Boy was I ever wrong. Things didn’t get better from there. But eventually I learned to share my thoughts and feelings. Now I find myself in this old pattern. And it is hard, boy is it ever hard. It’s an ongoing to process to evaluate myself and how I can relate to others. Because of these difficulties, I don’t always see the opportunities when they arise.
Back to the “friend envy”. The hardest part is that I want a relationship like that. I want to be so close to someone that we can call each other sister. Did I mention I don’t have any sisters? I was a middle child with two brothers, go figure. I have always earned for that kind of relationship and have never found it. Now I can think: “well I’m only 32 years old, there’s still time”, but then I see that picture of those two girls that are inseparable and all the pain comes rushing back. Is that what it is, pain? All the friends I used to have moved away and I no longer communicate with them. I don’t even know how to communicate with them anymore. It’s good when we get to see each other, but there’s no one I can call. I don’t really mind talking on the phone, but with the hustle and bustle of life who has the time? (more negative thinking). And what about the relationships that have burned me? I’ve had my fair share of those. I can’t understand why these people would hurt me by deciding they no longer want to be friends. Who wants to go through that again? I miss the fun times. I miss hanging out and chit-chatting. I don’t mind listening, sometimes it’s hard to get a word in edgewise, or sometimes I just don’t have anything to say. But why don’t I have anything to say? Then there are the excuses… A never-ending cycle. At the end, I defeated and literally exhausted. And it hurts. Because I want to have friends, I want to confide in. I want people that I can call and talk through problems. I know I can’t rely on my husband for all of this. I don’t know what is wrong and I can go over all the reasons why but nothing changes. If I want things to change then I have to change. I realize that. I know I’m the one in control. I’ve rebuilt a wall around my heart and I just won’t let anyone close enough to see me as I am. I keep waiting for someone brave enough to wait it out and take down the layers a piece at a time. But I’m not sure that’s how these relationships I yearn for are made. No one ever showed me. I’m lost. Navigating these waters without any sense of direction and in the midst of a terrible storm. I’m constantly moving water outside of my ship while trying to reach the shore.
Current Residence: Detroit, Michigan, USA
Favourite genre of music: electronic / trance
Favourite photographer: ~Shes-All-Smiles
Favourite style of art: surreal
Wallpaper of choice: Hello Kitty
Favourite cartoon character: Sailor Mercury
Personal Quote: today is a perfect day to spread your wings and fly